Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 130

Preakness Festival!

Um, what is Preakness? This is Preakness:

The Preakness Stakes is an American flat Thoroughbred horse race held on the third Saturday in May each year at Pimlico Race Course in Baltimore, Maryland. It is a Grade I race run over a distance of 9.5 furlongs on dirt and is the second leg of the US Triple Crown, with the Kentucky Derby preceding it and the Belmont Stakes following it. The horse must win all three races to win the Triple Crown.

preakness_logo

The 138th running of the Preakness Stakes will take place on May 18th, 2013.

Did I attend a horsey thingy then?

Nope! I attended a balloon thingy instead to mark Preakness! How we love a mini-festival!

The hot air balloon festival event, now known as a ‘balloon glow’, was invented in Albuquerque in 1979, when local pilots inflated balloons on Christmas Eve night as a thank you to local residents.

The sight of balloons lit from within at night like giant holiday ornaments is breathtaking, it has been said, and glow events are now held all over the world.

The Preakness Celebration Balloon Festival that I went to continues the hot air balloon glow tradition by presenting two balloon glows. Up to twenty hot air balloons participated in this balloon glow event at Turf Valley. (Actually we got no glow going on, but who cares!!)

And very awesome it was too!

Giant funny balloons

Giant funny balloons

Balloooooooons!

Balloooooooons!

Turf Valley

Turf Valley

A beautiful summer's evening

A beautiful summer’s evening

Inside a balloon

Inside a balloon

:)

:)

At Preakness you can drink out of brown paper bags... :)

At Preakness you can drink out of brown paper bags… :)

Oh yes. And we saw this……

No words....

No words….

Lovely Martin

So what’s my lovely Martin O’Malley, his hotness of Maryland been up to recently? I think we need an update….

Today he signed a gun-control bill at a bill-signing ceremony. The measure includes a provision requiring handgun purchasers to submit fingerprints to get a license.

The bill bans 45 types of assault weapons, but apparently people who own them now will be able to keep them.

The measure also bans gun ownership by people who have been involuntarily committed to a mental health facility.

Maryland State Police will be able to suspend the licenses of gun dealers who fail to comply with recordkeeping obligations.

The bill is scheduled to take effect from 1 October this year.

And so that is what Martin is doing, as well as being hot, and doing funky rock God stuff, and looking like this:

I love your politics, Martin, but I think I'd love your rock 'n' roll even more....

I love your politics, Martin, but I think I’d love your rock ‘n’ roll even more….

Harry’s got an American thing going on

‘Mummy, even though I am an Englishman, I am a little bit of an American-man too.’

‘I suppose you are….’

‘And I keep picking up invisible things….’

‘Do you?’

‘Yes, I do. I have picked up an American accent, haven’t I, and that’s invisible.’

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 129

Amused, bemused, confused….

1. Cabs…what cabs?

It is soooooooooooooooo hard to get cabs here in Howard County. I shall never, ever again bemoan the UK’s public transport system, because at least you can get from town to town or city to town and back again on a bus or a train. Not here – well, not easily.

And because there is no public transport, you try the cab firms for a lift…….

I have concluded that the cabs here officially SUCK. They won’t take your call, or if they do they put the phone down, then they can’t be bothered or can’t understand us, or just don’t want to drive anywhere and pick you up.

I might open up my own cab firm, just to show them how it works.

It’s kind of odd, because in the cities we have visited the cabs were great – let’s not forget my excitement at seeing the Yellow Cab in New York – iconic!

I love a yellow cab - bring them to HoCo!

I love a yellow cab – bring them to HoCo!

No wonder there is a little bit of a thing for drinky-driving in some areas…….it’s because you can’t get cabs for love nor money.

(And for the record, they do not understand British Cockney, Northern or even Home Counties accents if they don’t want to! By the time you’ve spelled out the address for them, you might as well have walked home……) ;)

2. Naughty ways people find my blog

Some people just stumble across my blog by tapping other search terms into Google. This most recent search term amused me: ‘hot housewife in leather.uk’. How disappointed they must have been to have found my ramblings instead.

This is a real Desperate Housewife in REAL LEATHER for the man who was searching for one :)

This is a real Desperate Housewife in REAL LEATHER for the man who was searching for one :)

3. SNAKE!

This venomous Northern Copperhead was spotted by a friend in her garden. WFT? Venomous snakes whilst I’m in my flip flops and Daisy Dukes. No thanks, ever so much…..

Runnnnnnnnn!

Runnnnnnnnn!

4. Another murder in HoCo

Howard County is SAFE. It really is one of the safest places in the USA.

In 2012, there were a total of four ‘homicides’ in Howard County.

However, another man was killed last night after being shot multiple times in the town centre of Columbia.

This homicide is the third in less than two weeks in Howard County. On May 4, 47-year-old Deborah Castellano was found shot to death near the Oakland Mills Village Center. Police arrested her ex-boyfriend, Ryan Matthias, in North Carolina on May 11, he is set to be extradited to Maryland to face charges in Castellano’s murder.

And the community is still in shock over lovely gent and local blogger Dennis Lane. We can’t quite get our heads around this one. Please take some time to read my friend Tom’s blog, which pays a wonderful tribute to Dennis.

Lovely Dennis

Lovely Dennis

Sad times.

5. Radio station controversy!

If you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know I’ve struggled to find a radio station that I like out here. I’m a BBC Radio 2 gal back in the UK, and nothing was fitting that mould in America-ca-ca. I wanted music (from Lynyrd Skynyrd to Pink) and news (current affairs and little bit of popular culture) and conversation (but not too much).

I found Mix 107.3 and thought I had reached as near to my requirements as I could get. But then it all fell apart. The husky voiced Brooke Ryan left the morning show, so my school run in the morning was a bit less fun, and then Jack Diamond headed out too, so that was the end of that. I tried the new morning show, but it was just a bunch of self-indulgent people chatting on and on and on (and even I was offended by some of the stuff they were spouting forth), plus there was no music in a whole 25 minutes (not good), so I have been switching between stations constantly over the past two weeks.

Then I happened to tune in again this very morning, and listened with joy to the uproar of the Washington DC and Maryland radio-listening community. They hate the new show – I mean REALLY hate it (only a few exceptions). It’s crude, childish and just painful to listen to.

It's not funny and it sure ain't clever!

It’s not funny and it sure ain’t clever!

Here’s what the listeners are saying on the Mix1073FM FB site:

‘I understand this is a business and I don’t blame you or hate you for what has happen on Mix 107.3 Any rational person should understand it’s a business and change is good but it is always uncomfortable at the same time. I am a Military vet who wore the uniform for 21yrs and I am one who understands that “change” is a necessary part of life. At the same time, even though it was not your (sic) doing, all of you could be a bit more professional about it. Mocking the listeners who called to voice their concerns after YOU invited them and even offered money is a childish thing. I get it, you are “edgy shows, a PG-13 Show” but at the same time understand that the listeners of the JDMS were not given a warning or a learning process. As professionals I would hope all of you would act your age and give your profession a bit more respect.’

‘Not impressed by the mocking and crude remarks. The Jack-Off Comment was crossing the line. I know Bert was not the one who said it.. But ,,,,, It was really low class. I give up not going to listen to it anymore. After 24 years and being one of the original 7 listners (sic). It’s over you don’t care about us, You have turnd (sic) us off, Now I turn you OFF’

‘Well I think if WRQX & Cumulus wanted to capture the 13yr – 17 yr. old male demographic in DC, NOVA & MD they signed up the right syndicated show. If the show is suppossed (sic) to be “edgey” (sic)& willing to take a few chances w/their humor”…it fails. This is DC not Atlanta & The Bert Morning Zoo gym class story telling comes up way short in market requiring a more sophisticated (smarter) approach. Clearly WRQX is targeting a very different audience or they forgot what city their in. What works in Alpharetta, GA doesn’t always transalte (sic) to Arlington, VA’

Ooh, such controversy! I’ve been tweeting Brooke Ryan about it as I need to say my piece too – see the right handside of my blog for my tweets. (I also want to go and hang out with Brooke in DC and have cocktails, because she looks like SUPER fun, so when she reads this, if she doesn’t get back to me and take me out for drinkies in DC so that I can blog all about it, I will be a very disappointed Desperate Housewife ;) )

It's your round Brooke - mine's a Mojito, please :)

It’s your round Brooke – mine’s a Mojito, please :)

Check out the new show, called The Bert Show, for yourselves…….and make your own mind up!

Chris Evans, Simon Mayo, Radio 2 – all is forgiven….I’m tuning in now for the Drive Time show :)

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 128

British accents

People out here in lovely USA-land love the British accent. Honestly, they do! Some people just want to hear me speak.

‘I love the way you talk,’ they say. ‘Say something else.’

I was queueing the other day and after I had placed my order in my clear, precise British accent (one chicken salad and a green tea, and a piece of carrot cake for Harry, for the record), the teenage girl next to me continued to look at me in a kind of stupor and said breathlessly: ‘Your accent is to die for.’ :)

This made me chortle!

This made me chortle!

Anyhow, I was in the nail salon (I am not always in the nail salon, I just happened to require some work done and it also appears to be the place where I get a chance to view people or things in general) and the girl sitting next to me asked where my accent was from, to which I replied ‘ From the South West of England’ (and then added ‘About two hours from London’ because usually everyone then asks, ‘Oh, is that near London?”).

But this girl knew – she had once lived in Staines. Staines! For a whole year! What had she done to deserve that?! Poor thing.

So, she proceeded to tell me that before she had lived in the UK she had not been able to differentiate between UK accents, but that now she could do so with ease.

Amusingly, she also told me that in the US people think there are only three types of UK accents. There are, she said: The Queen’s; A ‘Dickens’ style accent (from the costume dramas); and Hugh Grant’s.

What the Dickens do we sound like?

What the Dickens do we sound like?

$2 bill

A $2 bill crossed my palm in my change t’other day, and I confess that I had not seen one before.

Looks like Monopoly money

Looks like Monopoly money

They came out about 10 years ago, I was told by the nice young man in the USPS store, but they don’t get about much. And that’s why I’d not come across one before.

FYI, I have started saying ‘bucks’ instead of ‘dollars’ recently. Why? Because I like saying it, that’s all.

Vote or drink?

In the local news I heard that a small Maryland city just outside the Washington DC city limits has voted to lower the voting age for city elections to 16.

Apparently the Takoma Park City Council voted 6-1 on Monday to allow 16 and 17 year olds to vote in city elections starting in November.

(The council also voted to allow convicted felons who have served their time to vote.)

header

Now, I totally get that it’s great to make it possible for more people to be part of the city government and to be involved in politics and that it’s very encouraging if they are keen to take an interest and wotnot.

BUT…..you trust 16 years olds to vote in changing how lives are shaped, how communities and public services are delivered, but you won’t trust them to take a sip of alcohol for another five years. We already know that Spring Break for teenagers involves a lot of surreptitious drinking and subsequent shenanigans….

Spring Break USA style (am guessing there was lots of alcohol involved here....)

Spring Break USA style (am guessing there was lots of alcohol involved here….)

I just kind of think 21 is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far out there. You can do everything else in this country (marry, drive, vote, etc etc) before you can clink a cool beer with your friends. At 21 it means you can’t even have go through the rites of passage with alcohol at college/university. What?! To us in the UK, this is unheard of! Immoral even!

The UK might not have it right with 18, but let’s face it, teenage binge drinking will take place whatever country you’re in. But 21? It seems prohibition has a lot to answer for……

Or does it....?

Or does it….?

It appears that the UK and USA attitudes to drinking, socially or at home, differ vastly (that is, they do with many of the Americans I have come across so far – bar one or two…..!!), and I’m not judging what is right or wrong, I’m just saying – ‘Wow, 21……‘. That’s putting some major emphasis on alcohol for your 20s that will either appeal or repel, that is all ;)

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 127

Wild West Show

So, let me tell y’all…we hit the Wild West Show in West Friendship, Maryland today and I had high hopes for some rocking cowboy shenanigans.

Those boys in leather chaps did me proud….. shoot outs, horse malarkey, cows drinking beer, travelling apothecaries, and people staying in character for EVERY conversation….

Today we felt like we were abosrbing real American traditions, and it also rang true that the cowboys are very proud of their history and culture. These guys take their stuff very, very seriously. For some this is a way of life, not just a hobby.

Some of the cool stuff I learned about hanging out in Wild West town:

1. A super new cowboy movie was shot on location in Maryland: http://www.one-eyedhorse.com )see Day of the Gun)

2. The Buffalo Soldiers are very cool, friendly dudes, who shared their own history with me, and who like watching UK ‘comedies’ Are You Being Served and Keeping up Appearances!

The Buffalo Soldiers Motorcycle Chapter

The Buffalo Soldiers Motorcycle Chapter

3. You can buy the best cowboy boots at Carol’s Western Wear, and it has the best shop frontage sign ever :)

Cheeky!

Cheeky!

4. I need to go to a ‘Dude Ranch‘ and be a cowgirl for a bit, even though I am rubbish at riding horses. But I love hanging out with cowboy dudes and wearing cowboy hats, and I figure someone has to cook the beans and polish the spurs… :)

5. There are hot cowboys and there are proper cowboys…..just sayin’!

Feast your eyes on this selection of Wild West pics:

Cowboys and Indians

Cowboys and Indians

An old schoolhouse

An old schoolhouse

I am sitting with dignity on a 100 year old outhouse toilet (not actually in use)

I am sitting with dignity on a 100 year old outhouse toilet (not actually in use)

How the West was won...

How the West was won…

Shootout!

Shootout!

Crazy horse stuff

Crazy horse stuff

Mock Main Street shoot outs

Main Street shoot outs

Cowboys hanging out

Cowboys hanging out

Cowgirl!

Cowgirl!

Smart chaps too

Smart chaps too

Real life cowboys, oh yeah!

Real life cowboys, oh yeah!

Stupid is as stupid does…

It’s make your own mind up time about America and all those other countries that follow suit….

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justin-stoneman/post_868_b_720398.html
;)

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 126

Goodbye Dennis J. Lane

A blogger friend, pillar of the community and thoroughly decent chap left this world last night in tragic circumstances that have shocked our local area greatly.

Dennis was one of those blokes who exuded warmth and friendliness. He was one of those lovely guffawing friendly people who was very interesting and very interested. A great loss for Howard County, his friends and his family.

The blog community will mourn his great words – his writing can be viewed here: http://www.wordbones.com/

I was fortunate enough to be invited by Dennis to join him and his friend Paul’s podcast session one lunchtime at Columbia Mall. From the moment we met, Dennis engaged in sweet, funny banter and even managed to name all the Spice Girls, which I teased him about, of course.

You can listen to Dennis and Paul’s podcasts here: http://www.hocomojo.com/group/andthentheresthat/forum/topics/episode-84-uk-desperate-housewife

Dennis was always dapper

Dennis was always dapper

Dennis, me and Paul at our podcast in February this year

Dennis, me and Paul at our podcast in February this year

Dennis cared deeply about Howard County, Columbia and Ellicott City (his statement on his blog read: I live here. I work here. I love this place.) and the tributes to him on social media networks show how much this man was loved and respected.

Farewell, a true gentleman.

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/howard/ellicott-city/ph-exhow-police-homicide-ellicott-city-story,0,1605996.story

http://columbia.patch.com/articles/ellicott-city-blogger-s-daughter-boyfriend-face-murder-charges?ncid=newsltuspatc00000003

Funny things I learned today about American-English

So, we shall ‘blog on’, as Dennis would want us all to do….

Americans, I have found, do say things differently depending on which area they come from – much like the North and South of the UK. My friend, Julie, discussed this with me:

1. Ten of or ten to – so, for the time 2.50pm some people will say ‘It’s ten of three’, but in Chicago, for example, they say ‘It’s ten to three’, which is much more like the way us UK peeps would say it.

2. Bed clothes or bed sheets – in Baltimore, I am led to believe, the sheets and stuff you put on your bed are called ‘bed clothes’. I’ve never heard such nonsense…!

3. Ottoman or hassock or poof - that thing you put your feet on. Some people here call it an ottoman, then others from other areas call it a hassock (not a British thing). We Brits call it a poof, I think….. :)

Ottoman, hassock or poof - you choose

Ottoman, hassock or poof – you choose

Mr DC Pageant

I think it would be very useful blog material for me to get invited to this…..

http://www.mrdistrictofcolumbiapageant.com/

Just saying ;)

My fave for Mr DC (don't get why the bird is with him tho...?)

My fave for Mr DC (don’t get why the bird is with him tho…?)

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 125

Prince Harry Visits Washington!

Prince Harry is in Washington DC to begin his spring tour of the USofA, and I wish he would pop in for a chinwag, but it looks like his agenda is pretty full.

Prince Harry is my favourite royal, and it seems the US press is pretty keen on him too (he hasn’t misbehaved with strip billiards so far this time…)

Prince Harry’s week-long American tour started with a chat with US lawmakers and a trip to Capitol Hill.

The press are calling him ‘cute, young, rebellious, with adorable red hair – and he can’t seem to do anything wrong,’ (???!!!), say the media in awe.

A ‘breath of fresh heir’ they gush. How sweet.

‘He’s got a great smile and he doesn’t come to the United States often enough,’ swoons another paper.

I’m guessing these are women writing these comments…..

‘I think we’ll see that sort of mixture of statesman-like prince charming, but also the celebrity playboy prince. I think the Americans love to attach him to that image,’ they ooze.

There'll be no strip billiards with the FLOTUS....

There’ll be no strip billiards with the FLOTUS….

Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, says he would keep an eye on him so that there are no scandals this time. Perhaps he’ll pop to New York – it’s ripe for a roaringly good scandal!

All in all, Harry seems like a good [time] chap. We’ll just have to see if he can be in the States this time without any silly-willy-ness.

Place your bets….

See more on the US love for the playboy prince here: http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2013/05/09/prince-harry-arrives-in-the-usa-ready-to-set-hearts-fluttering/2145181/

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Desperate English Housewife in Washington, chapter 124

Mother’s Day

Yep, it’s USA Mother’s Day this Sunday, which means that it’s pretty much like any other day, except that there might be a valiant attempt at making breakfast for me, which will result in me having to clear up much more mess than usual, which will be lovely.

Pampering day? Luncheon out? No thanks! I actually made a choice to go and see a bunch of cowboys at a Wild West Show and fairground, so watch this space….

Yeeeeehah!

Yeeeeehah!

Cricket pitch

Howard County Recreation and Parks Department have decided to do something extremely British.

They have a cricket ground. Oooh, it’s all cucumber sandwiches and cups of tea whilst lazing on a deck chair on a summer’s day in a British village setting…….

Howard County Cricket Ground - lovely jubbly!

Howard County Cricket Ground – lovely jubbly!

Now, even though I am British, I know sweet FA about cricket. The most interested I got was in the late 80s when I was going out with a sixth former at school, and so I had to spend most of my Sunday afternoons sitting by the cricket pitch watching all the sixth form boys in their whites, rubbing their balls (never understood that bit) and admiring their batting technique. I have no idea about the rules, except that cricket matches take bloody ages and sometimes you get to drink Pimms.

Anyhow, I can’t attend the opening, sadly, because I am dying to meet Howard County Executive Ken Ulman and Recreation and Parks Director John R. Byrd, who both seem jolly nice chaps.

I wonder how many Americans are familiar with cricket – it must have caught on in the area for there to be a cricket pitch laid down in the first place…..

I have offered to make cucumber sandwiches should they need them :)

Oooh, delicious!

Oooh, delicious!

Gangs of Howard County

I nearly spat into my green tea ce matin when I read in Columbia Patch about the Gangs of Howard County (it doesn’t really have the same ring to it as the Gangs of New York, does it?)

They are called the ‘Bloods’ gang and they don’t sound very nice boys and girls at all.

Eighteen members of the Bloods allegedly kept shared firearms, sold drugs and used the money from drug sales, burglaries, robberies and home invasions to finance gang activities.

That’s not what we want to hear. Anyway, they’ve been banged up which is a relief.

Phew!

Phew!

37 things you will only find funny if you’re British

My friend Emma posted this on FB today – it needs sharing with you because it made me titter into my spinach salad.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/things-youll-find-funny-if-youre-british

Tell me, USA chums, did you find these amusing too….?

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